hello and welcome to the 360 method a  weekly podcast where we chat about  everything autism 360.  uh it is so awesome to have you here and  i’m here with our beautiful host ella  bailey lovely to be here again today  ella thank you  each week we’ll be catching up with  everything that is going on with the  program chatting with team members uh  taking in all things mindset with me  your mindset coach and we love hearing  your feedback and anything that you are  taking from this podcast and the program  we are here for you so welcome to our  lovely listeners it’s great to have you  here today um please let us know if  there’s anything that you would like us  to answer on the podcast um please drop  us a line at hello at  and we would love to hear your feedback


TOPIC OF THE DAY: Success and Confidence- A Roadmap

so today we’ve got an awesome topic  which we’re going to get into in a  moment how to program your child for  success and more happiness and we will  get into that in a minute but i’ll just  hand you over to ella  absolutely very excited to chat about  that before we get started i’d like to  acknowledge the gadigal people of the  eora nation uh on whose land we are  living and working and from where this  podcast is being broadcast today i’d  also like to give the disclaimer that  this is not a substitute for medical  advice if you’re worried about your  child or about yourself please do reach  out to your medical or allied health  professional or reach out to autism 360  and we will do our best to support you  very excited about today  um today we’re chatting about  programming our child for happiness so  what does that mean renee what does  programming our child mean i’d love to  hear about it well look ella i think


The Subconscious Mind

I talk about the subconscious mind a lot i  think i may be a little bit obsessed  with it but i just think it is so  powerful to be aware of how much of our  lives are influenced by what is at our  deeper subconscious level so  some  theories say up to 95 of our results are  coming from what’s going on at the deep  subconscious level so we have a  conscious level of awareness and which i  relate to a little bit like the tip of  the iceberg  then we have a deeper subconscious level  which is like the everything under the  water that we don’t see but if there is  so much going on at that level and when  we can really learn how to use this  awareness to our advantage it is really  powerful and i do a lot of work at this  level with um with people on the program  and with the work that i do um so today  it’s about learning how we can use this  awareness to help program our children  uh for more success and more happiness  so  that’s what  i wanted to really focus on today with

How to use your awareness

my tips is how we can use that um  awareness so up until about the age of  seven particularly our children  subconscious minds their minds are like  sponges they really take in every single  thing that is said to them without  having a filter around that so they are  like a just like a big sponge basically  and then after the age of seven there is  like this gatekeeper that is sort of  formed called the critical fact faculty  or the critical function which is almost  like when you know they’ve formed their  beliefs a lot of their beliefs and their  identity and things like that so if  let’s just say for example someone that  has a very negative perception of  themselves um  if you start you could say a lot of  positive things to them but at that  point it may not even get through  because their gatekeeper is actually  going to stop that and go well that’s  not actually in alignment with with what  is programmed here at this deeper level  so i guess on an extreme example is  maybe someone with anorexia um that you  know it doesn’t matter how many times  you could say to them that you know they  they don’t you know need to lose more  weight at that point it you know it’s  just bouncing off because it’s it’s  distorted so  um you know the reason that i bring that  up is because having that awareness  really helps us be aware of how powerful  those messages are that we’re giving to  our children particularly when they’re  younger  it’s really forming their beliefs about  themselves their identity and  we can use this to really put in so many  positive messages for them um which is  going to give them more confidence more  self-esteem  so just really being aware of how  powerful that is now if your child’s  over seven don’t worry it doesn’t mean  that you can’t positively program them  in this way but it just means that it  may take a little bit more work um to  get through that gatekeeper those  filters  of sort of how they now see themselves  and the world uh so i guess you know i  hope that makes sense ella does that  make sense i think i talk about this  like all the time so  you know i want to make sure that i’m  explaining that well enough for the  listeners  but yeah so i think the key with this is  to look at what are those messages that  you are giving  to your child consistently now  sometimes we might think it’s all really  positive but maybe there’s some things  in there that is actually quite negative  that that’s something to really have a  look at now my daughter’s first words  were don’t that was her first word was  don’t and i sort of laugh about it now  because i think obviously she was told  so many times don’t don’t don’t  so oh boy the poor child the first one  anyway so that was a bit of an  eye-opener but um just being aware of  what things you are putting into them so  all that positive reinforcement tell  them how how clever they are how capable  they are you know how well they’re going  at different things and really make that  as positive as you can um you know  really limit the criticism as much as  you can i know that they’ve got to learn  and we have to teach them and things  like that but i just really encourage  you to become aware of what are those  messages that you may be giving them  over and over again because that is  really going to form their identity and  their beliefs about themselves  and our beliefs are powerful you know if  we believe we’re not good enough that’s  what we keep seeing more and more  evidence of that’s what life reflects  back to us  and there’s many different reasons for  that which we’ve talked about before  like our reticular activating system um  which is sort of like programmed to look  for things that are in alignment with  what we believe uh so the more positive  our beliefs are about ourselves and  about the world obviously we see more  and more evidence of that which just  really reinforces those beliefs so the  key is use this awareness to put  positive messages in for your child as  much as you possibly can build them up  you know life is hard enough sometimes  as it is and the playground and children  and other people’s comments and the  environment so as a parent i really  encourage you to just build your  children up with as much confidence and  program them positively  so the other thing to do is tell them to  give themselves positive messages like

Positive message

I often say to people go and write on the  mirror i am enough like use a whiteboard  marker just go and right i am enough and  that is such a beautiful thing for not  only ourselves to see but our children  to be seeing that because if you look at  it so many people have issues around not  feeling good enough on some level and i  think a lot of that is our society that  makes us feel like we’re not enough in  different ways so  um you know just looking at those ways  that you can reinforce those positive  messages uh one of the exercises i get  people to do is to do um their i am  words so whatever follows i am is what  we what we become so if you’re saying  things like i’m stupid i’m no good um i  am anxious that’s one that i you know i  hear a lot and that’s what we’re  programming ourselves to believe so the  key is to go what do who do i want to be  how do i want to be um and change those  i am words and make them your mantra and  do this for your children so  looking at you know things like i am  strong i’m confident i am enough just as  i am okay those beautiful positive  messages i am happy okay um whatever  those things are i am calm  all those things as soon as you save  them you start to feel differently but  it’s really going to program your child  um and yourself use this for both of you  but it really will set you up for so  much more success and happiness by doing  that  uh so what do you think hello  yeah i think um there’s something so  powerful about  speaking things that we think we know  people know so you know we kind of have  an assumption our kids know we love them  our kids know we do anything for them  our kids know ex our kids know why  we can’t assume we can’t assume that  about our kids we can’t assume that  that’s what they’re saying to themselves  we can’t assume that especially when our  kiddos on the spectrum we can’t assume  that that social communication  has been translated if we’re not being  really explicit about what we want them  to know so i often get my parents on the  program  whose kids are struggling with things  like confidence success self-esteem  anxiety those sorts of things  is to is to and often i get them to  create a whole resource for their child  on this a social story a visual that  sort of thing  there is nothing that i that you can do  that will make you that will make me  love you any less  is what i get my parents to say to their  to their kiddos just to make it really  clear to make it really explicit there’s  nothing that you could do that would  make me love you any less  so that your child knows that they are  safe that they are  they explicitly know how um  you know uh  they are  you know there’s just exactly what it  says that there’s nothing that they can  do that’s going to make you love them  any less and i think that being that  explicit about um  those underlying assumptions is a really  good kind of first step when we’re  saying those really um those affirmative  things to uh to our to our kiddos what  sorts of things do you specifically tell  parents to  start with what’s an easy first one to  start saying look i think um  just saying  you know i’m a big advocate of self-love  and i think that  you know a lot of our issues come from  not loving ourself or not thinking that  we are enough and i think that our  society really does um reinforce a lot  of that with those a lot of negative  messages and and and children you know  they can be very harsh to each other  saying hurtful things so i think the  biggest thing that i would really  encourage the children to say to  themself is um you know really practice  self-love and be their own best friend  and their own biggest fan um so saying  those positive things whatever resonates  for them but just some nice ones like  i’m enough just as i am um i love and  accept myself just the way i am  maybe you know for children we can make  it a little bit easier like i am enough  um  you know i’m amazing uh all those things  i i loved that yeah i used to write them  on the mirror quite a lot when my  children were growing up and then i i  noticed my daughter would she started  doing it and she’d be saying i am  wonderful i’m amazing and it just made  me so happy because i thought that  really rubbed off on her so i think that  we can’t do enough of those things for  our children remember we may be the only  positive thing that they’re hearing um  perhaps like you said ella we can’t  assume that they’re getting that  positive reinforcement outside of the  home um so encouraging them to love and  accept themselves um to be saying those  messages to them as well  it really sets them up for success and  helps them it’s like that bank account  you know the more deposits we put in  then they can get through the day things  are they’re getting criticism of  different things they’ve got such a good  deposit of healthy self-esteem and  self-love that things really just sort  of bounce off them it doesn’t bring them  down so much so do that as as much as  you can  love those suggestions it’s a great  place to start what about what are your  thoughts on um what are some of the tips  that you share with parents um ella  around that yeah so i guess i would say  that there is a whole bunch of  psychological research that’s really  established what’s called

Our Human perceptive

the negative memory encoding bias  so um if we think about kind of the  history of human evolution the  development of the brain  the different kind of um  substrates within the brain the  structures within the brain um  in terms of human survival in terms of  life back in the day um in terms of out  on the savannah it is more important for  um our brain to retain and prioritize  things which are a threat to our  survival than it is to retain things  that make us feel good  so for example it is more important to  remember  for example uh that that berry is  poisonous and tastes bad um than it is  to remember oh um that type of fur is  soft for example um because one of them  has a more pertinent and direct outcome  on our likelihood of survival so  evolutionarily we have developed um a  predisposition in our memory encoding  and also in our attentional systems  to the negative to things that are to  our brain and to that sort of primal um  brainstem part of of um  our brain um  to  to be attracted to to remember to pay  attention to the negative that is kind  of uh a reality of human existence um  that’s been ascertained through  psychological research for for quite a  while now but i don’t think it’s  necessarily that well-known  kind of um uh in society and so i would  say  if you know this about yourself and you  know this potentially about your  children that is the best place to start  from in terms of neutralizing that  negativity bias that we have in our uh  memory encoding and attentional systems  we have a negative bias that means that  in terms of programming yourself for  happy happiness and success we’re  starting on the back foot cognitively  emotionally um we are starting with a  brain that is kind of working against us  in its own way trying to keep us um  you know keep us alive but in a way that  no longer serves us  so i would say that there’s a few things  that we can do to neutralize that  um and that the first one which i really  love walking through with parents is  and i’m going to specifically talk about  this in regards to parenting and  children and our kids on the spectrum

Exercise parents can do

but you could really um do this exercise  in you know whatever domain you really  want to delve into but remember back to  the first time that you really felt  i’m nailing this  this is where i meant to be this is what  i belong  in this i’m doing i’m doing where i’m  what i’m meant to be doing can you can  you reach back into your memory and  think about  that feeling of being like yes this is  it  so it might be the first time your child  smiled at you or it could be the first  time your daughter wrote i’m wonderful  on the mirror you know you just think oh  i have this feeling i’m i’m getting it  right i’m at least getting something  right you know  i want parents to to kind of reach back  into their memories and think about  okay  there was that one time  really early in my parental memories  where i nailed it i got it totally right  and you know i think  um  it might take some delving and that’s  okay it’s as i said it’s normal and  natural but  um start with that start with that  starting point and let it fill you up  that feeling of oh my gosh i did do it  like there was a good there was a good  memory so start there  so once you’ve done that um i think  what’s really important is to recognize  that it’s about the consistency of  implementation and consistency of um  counteracting that negativity bias so  what um the next step in the exercise is  to write down your top 10  lists of kind of parenting  uh moments that that are going to  counteract that negative  memory encoding bias so  you know uh renee you might think back  to the early years in your child’s life  and what immediately comes to mind is  the meltdowns the um how hard it was how  tired you were how  he didn’t sleep how  they only ate beige foods etc etc but  what i want you to do is really  consciously put all those memories aside  we’re not no we’re not no we are looking  for the top 10 like awesome parenting  moments  do you have one you want to share lovely  it’s so beautiful well i do  actually a bit of a priming exercise  sometimes and it is about going back to  those moments those key moments in your  life and i think for me i just always go  back to the birth of my both of my  children and um that is absolutely you  know or not it wasn’t necessarily easy  but definitely um was the most amazing  experience ever and i think those  moments and how you felt in that moment  uh definitely would be a highlight but  you’re so right i think once you start  focusing on those things it’s like you  know what i focus on grows and i can  tell you so many events when my children  you know whether they’ve won that  running race or um different things that  i’ve taken them to where we’ve had such  lovely moments or just those little  times where you know you just think wow  i want to save this moment so uh it’s  it’s a really good thing to look at and  go yeah there’s so many of those  rather than those few moments that you  know we’re a bit challenging but there  is so many good ones as well so yes  absolutely very true  and i think  what that starts to do when we do start  to make that list when we start to  prioritize those those memories those  goal moments um of parenting is it  starts to neutralize that negativity  bias it starts to um  shift the balance from oh my gosh i  remember how hard that was or i remember  how hard it is with them to  actually there were a whole bunch of  really awesome things so that’s the  second step the third step  is something that you can do right now  to kind of program um yourself  counteract that negativity filter um and  that is every time you are transitioning  a really good um uh environmental cue  for you to do this is is when you’re  going um either to and from the car or  in or out of a door frame that’s when  we’re kind of moving spaces we’re moving  around the house moving from one thing  to another let that be your  environmental cue to think to yourself  esp what is something that i put effort  into  what is something that i succeeded at  was a success in that and what was  something that i made progress in it’s  so easy you know at the end of the  workday to think oh  you know i got yelled at in that meeting  and then  my client didn’t show up and it was  super frustrating when in reality  um you had uh you put in a bunch of  effort you had a massive success and you  made progress in these key areas so we  can take that step to neutralize um that  member part of me that memory encoding  process to set ourselves up for success  and in doing so  start uh  re-ge  the balance of our subconscious mind  again we love the subconscious mind here  at the uh autism 360 method don’t we and  i think um this is going to be a good  way to start to engage with that and  counteract the issue absolutely and it  comes back to that success breed success  you know it’s like that positive success  cycle so i think it’s a really good  point ella because the more that you’re  focusing on those things the better you  feel the more motivated you are the more  your positive your beliefs are about  yourself the more things you actually do  and it it really builds on top of each  other so if you feel like you’re in a  bit of a negative spiral you know that  downward spiral the key really is  sometimes i guess it’s hard when people  are in a bit of a negative mindset to go  from from you know from here to really  positive uh so  you know i think just being aware of  sometimes it’s just pivoting those  thoughts and changing and shifting the  focus so maybe it’s just starting small  with them you know i’m willing to like  myself or i’m willing to be a bit kinder  to myself and just starting that and  just actually by being willing you  actually start that process of them  being able to be i like myself um i i’m  doing well at things and start saying  those those positive things to yourself  and it’s the same with your child if  they’re a bit down on themselves they  may not be able to jump from here to up  here but just start changing you know  into more positive things um that  they’re saying to themselves and just  being a little bit kinder a bit gentler  and you know i love those tips as well  having some some cues that you  consciously bring your awareness back to  what am i doing well at and i really  love that when you’re talking about that  ella like go back to a time in your life  where you felt so good and successful or  whatever that was and i straight away  knew when that you know i went somewhere  and i was like oh i love that so really  good tips i think take from that what  you think you can implement and look at  what things you can action from that as  well and just get started on those  things but um there’s been quite a lot  in that today i think but it’s really is  about being aware of it being aware of  how you can help your your child um and  really help set them up for success with  these with these different tools  yes and before we move on to our parent  question of the week i do want to just  um uh flag that these ideas are from the  research of dr nate zinsler  who has done a whole bunch of amazing  stuff um around performance psychology  um you know uh  psychology of success that sort of thing  so if you want to find out more about  these particular methods or those sorts  of things have a google see what you can  find so today’s parent question is from  ishan from perth and he says how can i  build up my son’s confidence when i feel  unsure if he can achieve what i want him  to achieve isn’t this giving him false  hope oh my goodness what a good question  renee yes it is i think it’s a very  valid question it is look one of the  things i think is important to remember  as well is not to limit our children  based on what our limiting beliefs are  or you know what maybe what our thoughts  are about what they’re capable of and i  do find that this happens quite a bit  with parents and particularly  when they have children on the spectrum  that they think oh my child you know may  not be good at that i’ll be able to do  that i think first of all just be aware  of that because they often i know for  myself i’ve been surprised many times  about what my  my daughter particularly has been  capable of  that really surprised me and she  actually was almost like oh no mom knows  how capable i am now i’m in trouble um  so i think we’ve got to be careful of  our own limiting mindset or beliefs  around what our children are going to be  capable of in the future uh but i think  the thing is is that  uh just look i don’t think that we can  give them false hope having um  confidence in ourselves and a positive  self-image and positive self-esteem is  really important because we need that  for our life and the more we can help  our children have that from a young age  what there’s nothing bad about that at  all and maybe you know they may not  achieve everything that they dreamed  that they would like to but that’s  normal for anyone we all want to have  big dreams and things like that when  we’re young and that’s just a part of  life that sometimes we don’t achieve all  of it but why not really set them up for  success and help them have that really  positive  confidence and and  really you know love and accept  themselves because it’s really important  and i think in the world we live in it’s  becoming more and more important to have  that we see so much depression and  anxiety and people with mental health  issues so by building up that strength  in them and that part of them that is  strong um i often talk about you know if  we look at it we’ve got two parts to  ourselves there’s that weaker part  that’s like anxious insecure negative  doubtful  problem focused and then we’ve got that  strong part of ourself that is like  believes in ourselves is um solutions  focus is confident is positive which one  do we want to feed um you know the more  that we’re feeding that strong part the  bigger that becomes the stronger it  becomes and i think we need that for  life so i i i ishan i don’t think that  you are setting them up for failure by  doing that i actually think you’re  setting them up for success  i love that and i think there’s not much  i would add to that apart from  ishan um i think that you’re on the  money in terms of your own feeling of  being unsure  impacting your son’s confidence so i  would really suggest  if you are struggling with  your mental health around um you know  your son’s development your you know i  don’t know obviously what your situation  is but if you are struggling with that  please please please reach out and get  the support that you need to process  that emotionally so that that emotional  toll doesn’t get passed on to your son  you know he’s already got enough to  struggle with the world is already  potentially going to be more difficult  for him if he’s neurodiverse than it  might be for a neurotypical person don’t  let your own anxieties and worries add  to that that your son is already gonna  have to manage there’s plenty of support  out there we’re here we want to help you  um so please reach out to us we’d love  to um help support you in that journey  and get uh you know get you back on  track in terms of knowing how um  you know your child can uh as renee said  exceed your expectations in so many ways  and i often say to parents on the  program there’s so many examples of  people that are on the spectrum who have  done amazing things and i i think it’s  so good to share those things with our  children and go you know your brain is  so clever and you’re so good at this and  really show them examples of success  because our beliefs about ourself well  you know what we believe to be true is  what becomes true for you so if you’ve  got positive beliefs around i’m you know  i’m going to be successful or um life  works out for me or good things happen  to me that’s what life reflects back to  us so  yeah


i really think that we can’t do  enough of that for our children as ella  said life can be quite difficult um at  the best of times so why not really help  them um have that very strong um solid  foundation within themselves so that  they can handle whatever life you know  throws at them  absolutely and so as we wrap up renee  what do you think about um your action  points for this week  look i think we have covered quite a bit  a few different areas of this today it’s  probably it’s quite a big topic meeting  uh yes it is and i think that there’s  still more things that um obviously we  could add to that but i think yeah just  look at what is the what is the biggest  takeaway that you can take from that  today and what is the biggest thing that  you are going to action from that today  as i always say just even actually one  thing um can make a really big  difference to your success for yourself  and your child um so you know think  about what that is and what you can do  to to put that in to  practice now  awesome well thank you so much for  joining us lovely listeners it is always  great to have you and we will be back  next week with another topic relevant to  autism parenting  so stay safe and until then think 360.

The 360 Method: Not Coping- Understanding your Child's Capacity
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The 360 Method: Not Coping- Understanding your Child's Capacity
This week Ella and Renea will talk about Success and Confidence- A Roadmap
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Autism 360
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