INTRO

hello hello welcome to the autism 360  podcast 360 method uh weekly podcast  where we talk about everything autism  360.  each week we’ll be catching you up with  what’s going on in the program  chatting with team members and talking  all things mindset with our mindset  coach extraordinaire renee tate hello  ella how are you i’m so good it is great  to have you renee thank you it’s great  to be here and um i think this is a  topic that a lot of parents can relate  to which is guilt um so really good to  be chatting about this today yes and i  am your coach ella bailey i’m autism 360  veteran coach and explorer of all things  autism parenting support before becoming  an autism 360 team member i worked at a  psychological research lab and also in  behavioral psychology so  welcome to our lovely listeners  we really care about you your thoughts  your experiences and your input so  please please if ever you would like us  to chat about something problem solve or  give us feedback please get in touch  with us at hello autism360.com  uh before we start i do just need to  recognize the gadigal people of the eora  nation on whose land we live and work  and from where this podcast is being  broadcast today and also give the  disclaimer that this is not medical  advice  if you are  worried about your child and their  development please do seek medical or  allied health advice this is meant to be  support and a community but does not  take the place of adequate medical care.

 

 

TOPIC OF THE DAY

all right let’s talk about parenting  guilt renee  yes well as i said ella i think it’s one  that a lot of parents do carry around  and it’s it’s such a big emotion it’s  such an emotion that steals our joy  steals a lot of our energy and can often  stop us from really enjoying our role as  a parent um and i i almost feel it’s  like welcome to parenthood here’s some  guilt um you know  here’s your guilt backpack on your way  exactly that you really just carry  around and i think a lot of the time  we’re carrying this guilt around going i  don’t even know why i’m feeling guilty  all the time but i am and um you know i  hear a lot of parents saying all the  time i don’t feel like i’m doing good  and you know enough um i never feel like  it’s enough and these are parents that  are just do not stop and they still feel  like it’s never enough um or maybe  they’re even feeling guilt around their  child’s diagnosis for some reason they  feel like you know i’ve caused this or  i’ve done something wrong and i just  think it’s a really important one to let  go of because it can really help us be  at our best as parents when we can let  go of that um help us be happier um and  really just free us up from all that  baggage that maybe is um you know being  carried around for no reason so um yes  so i think it’s a really important one  and if you are struggling with guilt um  you know this is um something that i  hope these tips today can really help .

RENEA TIP #1

you with so the first thing i would  suggest is just sit down and write down  what are you carrying around guilt for  you know what are those things that  maybe you’re feeling guilt around  because most of us is probably  unwarranted you know there’s no reason  for you to be feeling guilt around it  and maybe you’re not even really  consciously aware of what it is that  you’re carrying around that baggage it’s  like that backpack full of bricks you  know carrying it around it just gets  heavier and heavier over time so first  thing is is just to even sit down write  it out like what do i feel guilty about  um and just get clear about that to  start with because i’m sure once you’ve  got that written down and you can look  at it a bit more consciously you can go  well is this something that i actually  need to be feeling um and you know can i  let this go um so that would be my first  tip to really start to look at what that  is and why are you carrying this around  it’s not serving you and it’s really  time to let that go so let it go stop  beating yourself up stop the  self-criticism it doesn’t work  and it only leaves us feeling worse.

RENEA  TIP #2

so the next thing i would suggest is  anything that maybe you think well you  know what there is some things that are  warranted here maybe i spoke badly to my  child and i’m feeling guilt about that  or maybe i’m not spending enough quality  time with them and i’m feeling guilty  around that now that type of guilt is  not a bad thing because it’s actually  there to teach us something so our  emotions are message messengers which  are just there to tell us that we need  to know something so by actually you  know looking at that and going okay what  are you know maybe there is some things  here that i need to learn from take some  responsibility for and make some changes  in my you know my behavior or what i’m  doing so those are the ones that we can  really learn from um really grow from  and just become better parents if we can  look at what do i need to know what do i  need to learn from this and when we can  really get the learnings from it that’s  when we can start to really let that go  and change our behavior moving forward  to address those things that  we’re feeling that  guilt around  okay so you know it’s not a bad thing  because it actually when we grow you  know that’s when we can become better  parents so maybe you need to say look  i’m sorry for what i did and take some  responsibility for it um and then just  go how can i become you know a better  person better parent from this emotion  so it doesn’t always have to be a bad  thing but get the learnings and then you  know move through it so you can then let  that go okay the good thing about  getting the learnings as well is that  once we get those learnings we don’t  have to repeat that lesson again in the  future so i always say to people get the  lesson as soon as you can because  otherwise you know what life has a funny  way of repeating that so we have to  learn it at another time um so they are my top two.

RENEA TIP #3

and then my third one would  be to just then forgive yourself okay  um forgiveness is such a beautiful thing  to do i had a client today who had been  carrying around this anger towards  herself since she was 13 and today she  just said i i need to let that go i’m  not going to be angry at myself anymore  i’m going to be gentle with myself and  it was really beautiful um to just for  her to let go of this stuff that that  that backpack of heavy you know guilt  and all of that so  um you know forgiveness sets us free and  sometimes if people aren’t ready to  forgive themselves or someone else um a  good way to bridge that gap is just by  being willing to forgive so just by  being willing to forgive yourself  that is actually a good way to get to  the point where you just go okay now i  can actually forgive myself and really  let let that go set yourself free you  will be happier you’ll feel lighter and  you know you can start to enjoy being a  parent a lot more again  so they’re my top three tips of how you  can really overcome guilt and turn it.

ELLA’S SUGGESTION

into a positive uh what do you think  ella absolutely i love  the idea of  kind of examining  sit down take your backpack off and see  what’s inside  unzip it have a look and see like is  there a reason that i’m carrying this  around what like  sitting with it um and uh  working on okay well is this something  that i can learn from as we know if we  learn it the first time we don’t have to  learn it the other eight times that’s  right  ideally you know um  so yeah i love that and it’s interesting  it kind of intersects with um  my first tip which is to kind of sit  with your guilt sit with that unpleasant  feeling and take the time to sit with  your guilt and ask the seven wise  so um research has shown that  cognitively  seven levels of um why will often get  you  um a kind of shortcut to what’s really  going on with an emotion with an  experience that you’re having  um  and uh  the easiest way for us to unpack that  guilt to take off that backpack  is to  look at the backpack and ask it why  seven times um and that backpack is  gonna show its true self you know it’s  uh  i feel guilty for uh my kid being on the  ipad all the time oh okay  why it’s your first one  um well because you know um i think it’s  bad for them oh okay why  um oh because i’ve heard that like  i don’t know it’s bad for their eyes or  something um and i should be like giving  them more attention or something oh okay  why oh you know i’m always at work and  then when i come home i’m exhausted and  i just want to rest  interesting okay  why  oh you know i know that it’s really good  for them to spend time with me and  especially like when i’m in a good place  or whatever but i just feel like so  exhausted all the time or whatever  why oh i’m just working too much it’s  it’s really draining my soul i feel  exhausted i don’t want to do anything or  do with my kids at the end of the day  why  because i feel like if i  don’t work we’ll be i won’t be able to  do anything we’ll be kicked out of the  house  um we’ll be homeless  i won’t be able to provide for my kids  why  um because that’s my only way that i can  be there for my kids i have no other way  of being valuable to them  and there is the root of your issue  the seven wise of your guilt backpack  um  so and i think once you’ve ascertained  this my second tip once you’ve  ascertained that root cause of your gear  once you’ve ascertained like what the  fabric of your backpack is made up for.

ACTION PLAN

uh made up of rather you can really plan  and actions action steps action stations  how are we gonna get rid of this  backpack because  um our backpack is made up of the  structures of our lives it’s made up of  our unconscious beliefs  our values  and we are able to once we know what  we’re dealing with make an action plan  to overcome that okay so you’re feeling  guilty because your kid is on the ipad  we figured it out that actually it’s  because you have this underlying concern  about your own value to your children  well let’s make ourselves a three-step  action plan to be able to overcome that  issue to be able to  really connect with our children and  provide value in the um interactions  that we’re having with our kid where’s  that backpack on she’s out we don’t need  her anymore um and that’s such an  exciting place to be as a parent um and  i think my final tip would be  um when you’re sitting with your  backpack when you’re asking your whys  ask yourself  who benefits from this guilt is there is  there  uh you know is there somebody or  something somebody in your past a  relationship that you’ve had something  like that um a negative belief about  yourself the benefits from this guilt  who who gets the upside of this when i’m  feeling crappy about myself about my  parenting feeling guilty is it me  obviously not is it my kids  also not  you know i think  when we  um sometimes i have difficulty letting  go of the guilt for our own sake  it can be really helpful to let go of  the guilt for our kid’s sake the less  guilt that you’re carrying around the  less energy that you’re spending feeling  guilty about something the more  emotional energy you have to give to  your kiddos  and i just think that that’s such a win  i think that is so good and that’s so  true you know what’s the cost and the  impact that that is having on your  children you know if it’s not enough to  look at how that’s affecting you um how  is it affecting them because it’s not  serving anyone and um absolutely love  those tips ella um and you know what i’m  glad that you mentioned the working one  because that was one that came up  actually today in our group coaching  session was quite a few moms i feel  guilty for working um so you know that’s  one that i think and hear these people  just doing this for their children and  you know what we just need to look at  that bigger picture and go you know what  this is benefiting our children in many  ways and it is important for um parents  to have that other outlet and you know i  think those things can really help us be  better parents by having different our  needs being met in different ways as  well so um yeah great tips ella and i i  love that um process of getting to the  root cause and as you said taking action  because you know what there is some  things that maybe you could change from  that and that that’s a great outcome  yeah yeah yeah so um really important.

WHAT YOU CAN TAKE FROM THE TOPIC

tips there and i would ask you from um  these tips today what are your biggest  takeaways and that you’re going to take  from that and what can you action from  our session today um you know what would  you like to action from that and  sometimes just having that one action um  that you implement can really start to  change things and you know get that  momentum towards something a lot more  positive so  uh yeah just really encourage you to  have a think about that  yeah speaking of  interestingly i had a question  from  helen from victoria asks during the week  what do you do about family members who  use guilt a lot in family relationships  is this something you’ve come across  multi-generational guilt guilt as a  relationship tactic  yes look i had a parent um about a week  ago who was having trouble setting  boundaries it was actually her mother  that was putting a lot of guilt on her  and she was just  you know her plate is so full with her  family she’s got quite a few children  and um you know she was just saying i we  just don’t have any time and then my mom  is making you know me feel guilty and um  you know we looked at that and just you  know how can she address that because i  think the thing is is that as parents  when our children are young particularly  if they’re needing extra support and um  you know i think the thing is is looking  at what are our priorities what are  those big rocks that we really have to  put our time and energy into at the  moment and especially if you are working  on you know you’ve got other things  going on i think just getting very clear  about what are my priorities and maybe  there’s some things that you’re doing  that aren’t your big rocks you know  they’re not those things that you need  to be putting your or your time and  energy into at the moment whether it’s a  friend whether it’s a family member i  think just becoming very clear and you  know maybe just explaining to them look  we’ve got a lot on our plate they may  not understand that at this point um but  setting those boundaries and just really  getting clear about what your priorities  are because this time with our children  is so valuable and so precious and we  really want to make the most of the time  and that it pays off in the long run so  i just really encourage you to look at  yeah what you know if that’s happening  to you have the conversation with that  person but definitely look at what your  priorities are and make sure that you  are focusing on those most important  things in your life at this point  yeah that’s such an interesting  way to look at things and i think  something i would add is um often if  somebody is coming to you and you can  tell that they’re you know attempting to  get uh something you know  using unhelpful tactics like guilt or  whatever um i find that um doing exactly  what you suggested in terms of just like  being really honest and being like this  is what i’ve got to deal with like  and almost turn the problem back over to  them for a solution so your mom is  coming to you saying you don’t call me  you know you’re not supporting me i’m  unwell blah blah blah  and then turning that that struggle back  over to her and saying  this is what i’ve got on my plate at the  moment like what do you suggest you know  this is what i’ve got  to to these are the all the plates i’ve  got got spinning my 14 backpacks that  i’m wearing  um what would you suggest like please  help me  problem solve and i think that that  not only um kind of clears the air a  little bit but also kind of empowers  that other person to problem-solve in a  helpful way  rather than  very clever yeah  and i love it you know like let’s use  kind of radical honesty and being like  this is what i’ve got going on i’ve got  a full-time job i’ve got a four-year-old  um with additional needs like  let’s come together and work positively  for that yes absolutely.

FINAL THOUGHT

and i think um  that communication because you know  sometimes people don’t understand what’s  going on um you know within  for you for your family uh so absolutely  i think that’s a great a great way to  address that in a really positive and  empowering way as well so  uh yeah so hopefully that answers your  questions around that and um  yeah i think you know it’s time to let  go of the guilt um just whatever that is  you’ve been hanging on to  you know today is the day to really just  make a conscious decision to let that go  um set yourself free and you know it’s  really going to help you to continue to  be the best parent you can be ah thanks  for that renee  and thank you to our lovely listeners  for joining us today we’ll be back next  week uh with another topic exploring  autism parenting  thank you for listing see you again soon.

Summary
The 360 Method: Parenting Guilt
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The 360 Method: Parenting Guilt
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This podcast hosted by our team member Ella Bailey and our mindset coach Renae Tate, is about Parenting Guilt
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Autism 360
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