Intro
hello welcome or welcome back to the autism 360 podcast the 360 method a weekly podcast where we talk about everything autism 360. each week i’ll be catching you up with what’s going on in the program chatting with team members and talking all things mindset as well as exploring relevant ideas that autism parents think about so it’s lovely to have you i’m your host ella bailey i’m an autism 360 veteran coach and explorer of all things parenting so welcome to you our lovely listener um we really care about your thoughts and experiences here on the autism 360 program so we would love to hear from you whether you’re a program member or not we would love to hear from you so please reach out drop us a line at hello autism360.com we’d love listener feedback and i’ve got some awesome questions coming up at the end that have been submitted through uh email so please do um get in touch that way before we start on our topic today of meltdowns um i want to acknowledge the uh gadigal people of the nation on whose land i live and work and from where this podcast is being broadcast today and give respect to their elders past present and emerging i also want to mention that this podcast is not a substitute for medical or allied health advice if you are worried about your child or yourself please do reach out to your medical or allied health professional or please reach out to us at autism 360. we would love to be able to support you in your journey
TOPIC OF THE DAY
so today our uh the most asked question the most common um struggle that parents come to the autism 360 program with or indeed to my own sessions with meltdowns meltdown struggles tantrums um dysregulation you know how can we essentially parents want to know how do we prevent um our child from having meltdowns and um i would say um that my response to this is uh can be really boiled down into three main points so we’re going to chat about those then we’re going to talk about your child’s escalation cycle um we’re going to talk about um what your response should look like and then we’re gonna answer some questions um from parents talking about this particular topic so meltdowns you know meltdowns are one of those things that are um pretty uh ubiquitous across the parents that i’ve worked with here at the the autism 360 program they look different um for many different um experiences of autism some kiddos um totally explode outwards some kiddos internalize inwards take it out on themselves internally but um all parents want to be able to improve their child’s quality of life and do their best to manage meltdowns um and dysregulation so the first thing that i would say is that um if your child was able to cope with what they were being asked uh with the demands that were being placed on them they would be so it’s not that your child is not wanting to do the best they can it’s not that your child is um wanting to um feel disregulated or feel so out of control that they need to um you know have this explosive meltdown it’s a matter of can’t cope not won’t cope um so i really want to establish that as our grounding principle for going forward while we’re talking about meltdowns
POINTS ON MELTDOWNS
so there are three main things that i would like you guys to take home when talking about autistic meltdowns so um the first one is once your child is in a full-blown meltdown you have missed your opportunity of window to divert it your window of opportunity rather to divert that that is the first and most important point the second point your response is the only thing you have control over in that moment you don’t have control over your kiddo you only have control over yourself and what you do to respond to that uh meltdown and then third one is tune into and manage your own expect uh your own escalations so something that i see a lot is parents who um are saying to me oh you know i want to reduce meltdowns or you know uh it’s so stressful when my kid haven’t had a meltdown and that sort of thing and the thing is it’s meant to be you know those signals that your child is sending to you um are of extreme distress and as parents and caregivers we’re biologically primed to find that sort of stimuli extremely aversive that’s why it’s so hard to ignore a baby crying right because um over you know millions and millions of years um infant children and you know young developing children um have honed the skills of attracting a caregiver’s attention when they’re dysregulated because that’s a survival strategy for them so we in that situation are biologically primed to become escalated and dysregulated in our own right so knowing that about the situation what are you doing to manage your own escalation so that you can be there to support your child it’s totally fine to be escalated you sh you know biologically speaking you should be being escalated by your child having that sort of struggle but knowing that about the situation what are you doing to prevent it and to support yourself so that you can support your child
KEY DETAILS ON DIVERTING MELTDOWNS
so let’s go into a little bit more detail about um that window of opportunity for diverting meltdowns so what is key here is to understand that um once your child is in a full-blown meltdown state they are in a stage of their escalation cycle where their capacity to hear and process language to be able to be responsive to communication of any form or to or even to think sort of um quote unquote rationally um or reason themselves out of this situation is totally gone and the reason for that is really biological and very neurochemical so the reason that that is is because their body is in full blown fight or flight and what that actually does is cuts out a lot of the activation of your prefrontal cortex brings all the blood flow all the neurochemical activation all the electricity back down into the uh brain stem so this that’s kind of oldest part the most uh the earliest developing part of the brain um and that’s not a rational um communication driven part of the brain that’s a really um kind of primal part of the brain they’re not going to be able to hear you they’re not going to be able to be responsive or rationalized with you and i mean you know as a parent of a child who has meltdowns you already know that right you already know that they can’t hear you you’ve tried etc and so that is why once your child is already in full blown meltdown your window is closed your window to divert that meltdown is closed and while your child is in peak escalation you should be focusing on safety you know you can’t stop you know you don’t have control over um where that child is at with their escalation all you can do is keep them safe while they’re processing these really big feelings that they’re having you need to notify whomever it is that’s necessary to keep that person um who’s having the meltdown safe that child who’s having the meltdown safe and if needed you need to keep the people around them safe by asking them to exit giving your child space and giving you the space and support that you need to support your child while they’re having that meltdown so that’s what i would say um is the first uh the first thing that i want to bring your attention to while we’re talking about meltdowns so let’s talk about our kiddos escalation cycle and by the way i’m so sorry if you can hear my dog snoring in the background that’s just our our nice soothing little background noise you’re welcome for that so
ESCALATION CYCLES
let’s talk about our escalation cycle let’s think about our escalation cycle as sort of like um a mountain with a curved top um that on one side has a little gully right so we’re coming from we’re starting on a nice even plane that’s our calm um regulated state then as we start to go up into the foothills of the mountain that’s our trigger point that’s the um either internal or external stimuli that starts a person towards the summit of that mountain the summit of the mountain being the meltdown all right so when they’re calm um we can or you know to bring on that calmness that’s when we’re sort of uh we’ve got those established routines and expectations we’ve planned ahead really well we’re giving that kid their um you know their space their independence their their thriving right and then they come to the foothill they get their trigger you know um we are uh there’s something either internal or external that is changing them from that calm state up into a state of agitation right so when our child is getting agitated they’re going to be showing us signs that they are no longer in that calm state and so you might notice that they um start to fidget or stim more you might notice that they start to um walk on their toes when they don’t normally talk on their toes you might notice that they are more um snappy than usual that they are more um short-tempered or um aren’t able to tolerate things that they’re usually able to tolerate
SHOW EMPATHY
that’s they are signs of agitation right so when they’re in that stage what we need to do is show empathy right we need to recognize that they are um in a state of agitation this is our really prime window um for um diverting from a meltdown so we start we use um start rather than stop directions so instead of saying stop stimming which we would never do anyway we don’t want to stop a child from stimming to regulate themselves but instead of saying oh stop i don’t know whatever it might be walking on your toes we would say something like um hey do you wanna walk over to your crash mat hey let’s start swinging so that what we’re doing is giving them that positive instruction of something they can do to regulate themselves and in doing so we’re swerving and hopefully um de-escalating from going up towards that peak of a full-blown meltdown right we’re continuing on say that didn’t work we’re continuing on up the mountain towards the peak meltdown phase after agitation comes escalation right that’s when you can tell your kiddo is on the way you can tell that they’re not coping um they might start to um i mean every child’s signals are different and that’s something that as
BEING AWEAR OF SIGNALS
parents and carers of um kiddos who struggle with this sort of thing we need to be really aware of um the signals of each of these stages of the escalation cycle so i would say um you know agitation is when you know okay if i don’t do something about this imminently we’re gonna we’re gonna go right over the top there into a full-blown meltdown and um often uh one of the most common ones that i see um parents coming to me with is my kid are having meltdowns in um like a westfield or a busy place you know uh the easter show that’s a big one and so i think you can see um your kiddo getting escalated they’re running around they’re frantic they are they’re respiratory rates might be going up um they’re sweating they’re getting hyperactive sometimes it can look like that um so we need to provide that kiddo with the space and time and resources that they need to be able to prevent them from going into full-blown meltdown so what that might look like is you’re at the easter show your kiddo’s gone from calm to triggered by all the noise and the lights and the people to super agitated not able to to um concentrate on where they’re walking not able to listen to instructions to escalated getting really um hyperactive and frantic feeling really um overstimulated and if we can do something like find a quiet space to bring down the sensory input to slow down their body systems for them to co-regulate with you you might um speak in a low slow voice to bring down their um uh their escalation somatic symptoms their bodily symptoms and that is going to be your most powerful tool in preventing that child from going over the edge into full-blown meltdown not able to cope with what they’re being asked to cope with in the environment so say you know the worst did happen you weren’t able to play you weren’t able to find a quiet space to be able to help your child to regulate what do you need to do as i’ve said there’s nothing that you can do in the moment to make that child calm down any more quickly than they’re going to anyway you need to give their child a safe space to be able to process that those emotions um in whatever their the way that their body is going to um uh going to allow them to do that um and this is the time when we um are looking at our responses and we’re managing our own escalation and oftentimes you know this is when i see parents who are really escalated um who aren’t kind of able to actively engage um in managing their own responses actually escalating their child further you know this is when i see parents doing things like oh please you know just be quiet keep going you know um moving their child along because they’re so stressed out themselves and that is without a doubt only going to make the meltdown go longer harder more intense what you need to do is give your child a safe space and environment that is calm in order to calm themselves down generally we’re kind of coming over the other edge of the escalation cycle mountain now and we’re coming down the other side into um into our de-escalation mode all uh meltdowns will at some point start naturally to start to um de escalate naturally once um a whole bunch of the hormone floods that have been raging through your kiddo’s body have started to become naturally depleted right so when they go into a meltdown when they’re in that peak of their escalation cycle they get this rush of adrenaline and cortisol but those um those endocrine system um cascades those hormones um they only last for so long you know they’re only going to keep our keto um having enough energy to um you know be maintaining that meltdown for a certain amount of time and then naturally as those hormones become depleted in the system they’re going to be replaced by soothing depressive hormones um a cascade of de-escalation right so we’re coming over the top of our mountain and coming into the de-escalation phase of the escalation cycle so we really want to monitor safety continuously while we’re in this situation you know there um it can be and i’m sure i’m sure that parents have seen this as well there can be lots of times where you know your kid has come up through their peak you think they’re starting to de-escalate and then something sets them off again they’re doing they’re doing a whole mountain range of escalation cycles and so we want to be able to help our kids follow through that whole flow of de-escalation to come back to that calm baseline so monitoring safety so you say your child starts to come down from that full-blown meltdown we are not pressuring them to get themselves up and ready to go again we are not getting them to move we’re not introducing stimuli we’re keeping things really calm and positive we’re not enforcing time deadlines we’re just letting everything go so that we can be there with our child to support them while they are coming down from they from their um really heightened meltdown stakes a lot allow time and space for them to do that um and also start to think about in this moment what happened here you know was really fresh in your mind what happened here how could i have picked up better on my child’s escalation cues earlier so that we didn’t have to go through this really um stressful moment right so what happens after your de-escalation is that um people kids will go into what’s called your post-escalation depletion stage so that’s when you know and lots of people say that they see this with their young toddlers um you know either neurotypical or neurodivergent you know they’ve had this big outburst this big meltdown this big uh moment of of dysregulation and then they get exhausted they’re tired they’re lethargic they might get weepy and they just feel sad you know it is um it’s such a big expenditure a big um ex expensive um bodily speaking expensive episode that they’ve just been through and so they’re going to come into this moment of oh my gosh i’m exhausted i’m lethargic and i’m not i’m not feeling good about what’s happened and i just want to state that this is not the time to talk to your child about their meltdown this is not the time don’t do it it’s very tempting right because they’re starting it feels like they’re sort of coming back to you after that moment this isn’t the time all we want to do during this um kind of post escalation just uh depletion is to ready them to bring themselves back to baseline whatever that might look like right so let’s use our easter show example here i’m talking about the sydney easter show they are you know they’ve had this big meltdown we’ve been able to bring them through the de-escalation phase and instead of getting them to get up and move around or anything what we’re doing is we’re just talking to them about what you what they feel like they might want to do what feels doable do they want to go home are they hungry i’m not saying you know fire all these questions at them i’m just saying um helping them to return to that established routine and expectation that they already had is what we’re aiming for in this phase and that’s hopefully going to bring us back up out of our little gully um into that plateau um you know recovery and return to our calm baseline so we are once again once we’ve come through that de-escalation phase we’re then going into the dip of that um post-dysregulation depletion we are not talking about um uh we’re not talking about what’s happened we’re not dissecting the behavior or anything like that all we’re doing is focusing on bringing things back to baseline re-establishing the routine um and hopefully moving that person on from moving that kiddo on from there um dysregulated moment so that’s um the details of the escalation cycle what we can do in each phase to support our child who is struggling with that and also what we need to do in those phases and i think that kind of leads me really nicely onto more details about my second point which is our response you know um our children are their own people they have their own free will and as you know as you know um parents of neurodivergent children know they’re gonna do what they’re gonna do and we can’t control that the only thing that we can control is how we respond all right so and just like i mentioned before when we’re seeing parents try to get their children to push through the dysregulation trying to get their trying to continue placing the demand that is causing the dysregulation that’s when we see our child continue to escalate turn to you know um self-injurious behaviors really show those signs of frustration that are so unhelpful for our children and so i think what is key here is knowing how you feel when your child is melting down so that in the moment you can keep a cool head what is key is that we do not lose our cool and i know that i’m constantly um coming back to this i talk about it in podcasts all the time but if there’s one thing that i try to get parents to take away from their time with me in the program it is that almost more important than any skill that you can teach your child is you developing the skill of keeping your cool when your child is escalated whatever that might look like you know that is the most important um and deciding factor in how intensive that meltdown is going to be so we’ve got um
PARENTS SENSORY NEEDS
something that i think not a lot of parents think about in terms of their own escalation is have you thought about your own sensory needs in that moment we’re primed biologically to find screaming and crying especially of our children really stressful so what are you doing to counteract that um that that stressful stimuli you know um we are setting ourselves up to struggle if we don’t preempt that right so do you have your own um strategies to calm your nervous system do you have your own um [Music] i don’t know stress management tools that you can use in the moment so something that um i had some really good success with uh with one of my um parents here on the program was she herself found that she had um a lot of auditory um sensitivities um that she that were really triggered when her kiddo was having a meltdown and i kind of had a look around to see what tools might be available for her and we ended up stumbling across a couple of different brands of um earbuds that didn’t stop the sound coming in there was nothing unsafe going on in terms of blocking our children out or whatever but what it did do was reduce the decibels by a certain amount so that she was able to um retain um calmness um and not be triggered by that auditory sensitivity um we just lowered the decibels by a certain amount so that she felt like she could cope even when that um that you know sound landscape was going to be something that was triggering to her there are also headphones out there that um can block out just certain frequencies of sound so that you know okay i have this particular i don’t know this particular stressful auditory stimuli um and i have uh my headphones tuned in to block that out so that i’m managing my own arousal so that i then have the opportunity to uh support my my child better um no matter what stage they’re at at the escalation cycle but particularly when they’re um you know at that peak of their escalation cycle so i mean i guess i would say give yourselves and your kiddos a little bit of grace on this one um unfortunately the world we live in can be extra challenging for um a kiddo who isn’t neurotypical um and so sometimes there’s not a lot we can do um to uh manage the environment that they’re in um to reduce the stresses that are gonna be just regulating to them what we can do is do a really good job of setting them up for success with preparation do a good job of knowing them well so that we can read their signals of escalation no matter where they’re at in their regulatory cycle and do a really good job of providing a safe space for them to
OUTRO
work through whatever big feelings they’re having and then to re-regulate afterwards so i hope that’s helpful as always please just like get in touch uh when you uh have time to think about this if you have any questions you know where to email i wanted to answer a uh question that came in um to hello autism360.com uh from swati in logan in the gold coast asks what do i do when my child has a meltdown in the supermarket i feel like everyone is staring at me and all i want to do is get out of there oh my gosh swati i totally get that i know so many parents who find that um just a really horrible situation you know um and i don’t think that there’s unfortunately any easy way to kind of problem solve this without kind of asking further questions but what i would say is clearly there’s something about you know that situation if it’s really predictable that every time you go into the supermarket your child has a meltdown there’s something about that environment that’s super dysregulating for your child that you need to kind of be a bit of a detective and problem solve so that you can figure out what the trigger is it’s taking him from that calm baseland up into his agitation cycle mountain um if we can eliminate that trigger find some sort of tool to help him manage that trigger we’re going to do a much better job at getting in and out of the supermarket without a meltdown in the toilet paper aisle so swati um do it put your detective hat on figure out what is it about this situation it could be that it’s just really visually over stimulating it could be there’s a noise that your child can hear in that supermarket context that we aren’t aware of that’s extremely aversive and he’s not coping it could be um you know we’ve accidentally reinforced the pattern that every time he goes in he gets a i don’t know a lollipop that um sometimes um you know that the behavior is being reinforced by that and he’s getting dysregulated so there could be a bunch of reasons we need to take um a good look at what’s going on there um and see what it is it’s triggering that and put in place a strategy to um to help your child cope better with that and there’s lots of things there’s lots of ways that could look like um get in touch with um you know if you’re on the program ask your coach about it um if not um you can please feel free to email in more details that would be great hopefully i can give you some more helpful answers but i hope that helps um swati um it’s always great to hear from people um who kind of reach out and and let us know that um we’ve been helpful or whatever it might be so thank you so much for joining us this week uh it’s been uh great to be able to um chat about this particular topic that i know affects a whole range of um individuals who are either on the autism spectrum or supporting somebody on the autism spectrum so um i can’t wait to chat with you again next week about another topic relevant to autism parenting and the autism 360 program i will see you there and until then think 360.
