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Welcome to the 360 method a weekly podcast where we chat about everything autism 360. each week we’ll be catching you up with what’s going on in the program chatting with team members and talking all things mindset as well as exploring relevant ideas that autism parents think about this week we are talking about puberty with our lovely positive behavior support and mindset coach Renee who is back to join us hello everybody hello hello to all our lovely parents and carers out there it’s great to be back yay it’s lovely to have you back um I’m Ella I’m your host um and it is so lovely to have you with us listers I’m an Autism 360 veteran coach Explorer of all things parenting support um and it’s lovely to chat about this topic that so many parents I think have um have difficulty with getting enough information and resources on so please let us know is this helpful we care about your thoughts and experiences and feedback so please do drop us a line at hello autism360.com we’d love your feedback whether you’re a program member or not so before we get started with chatting about all things puberty um I’d like to acknowledge the gadigal people of the era Nation on Whose land I live and work and from where this podcast is being broadcast today and also just make the disclaimer this podcast does not substitute for medical advice if you have concerns about yourself or about your team please do contact medical assistants so Renee you’re a Teen Mom yes I know not a Teen Mom a mum of teens yes and that that’s a very different whole different category Ella but yes I do I have a 17 year old and a 13 year old so definitely in the teen years yeah absolutely and I think um it’s one that lots of I guess parents in general but specifically autism parents don’t have a lot of resources it seems like there’s far more available for much younger kids in terms of advice and support have you noticed you’ve been saying that absolutely and I think even with
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the government support there’s a lot more for younger children as well so I I think there’s definitely a big need for that support and advice for people navigating because it’s such a tricky time to navigate as it is um let alone you know knowing well is this something that a neurotypical child will be doing or if what what’s you know what do we expect here and how do we manage all of those things it’s definitely a bit of a a Minefield and I think a lot of parents feel quite nervous about those years those teenage years and how do we get through that so there’s just a lot of influences obviously with high school and peer pressure and hormones so many things all at once and a lot of pressures as well so it’s a it’s a great topic today yeah absolutely and um I’ve been doing a lot of research into what the research says about the experience of autistic teens um I guess kind of in comparison to a typically developing team but also um the variety of experiences sort of between different autistic teams or different um neurodivergent teens and what’s really interesting is that um physiologically the the things that are going on for autistic teens um neurodiverse teens are the same as for their neurotypical counterparts and neurotypical change so any physical changes hormonal changes those sorts of things they’re very much the same and they’re very much happening at the same chronological age so the hormonal um changes the endocrine changes that are going on for for t for teenagers they typically start around eight which is quite early you know I think it’s a lot earlier than people think um and you might not start to see any physical signs of maturation or bodily changes until a few years later but um you know autistic eight-year-olds are having those same changes that uh that that are going on for their typical peers but may be unequipped in the same way or don’t have the same um types of capacity to understand what’s going on and I think that that’s where things can get really tricky absolutely I think having those skills to be able to cope and manage you know all those things is is really what we need to continue to work on yeah absolutely and I think um I’ll give a little bit of context for for families who are who are looking to to uh kind of understand this area a little bit better um and then Renee you can come in with your um your specific strategies they’re they’re kind of three main areas of change that go on um for teams Autistic or non-autistic they’re physical they’re neural and they’re cognitive um so your physical changes are the ones that you know everybody knows about about all the um you know the bodily things that are going on your neural is um a little bit more under the surface right so what got what what’s going on for your team during puberty is actually similar to what’s going on for them neurally when they’re an infant and a toddler the process is called neuronal pruning and what that means is that it’s the it’s the biggest uh apart from infancy um it’s the biggest time of neuronal change um within the human lifespan trajectory isn’t that amazing and um what’s going on is that their um their neuronal Pathways the things that solidify behavior that solidify thought patterns that um really Drive um behavioral patterns are becoming more concrete and they’re also doing what’s called pruning of those unused um neurons so anything that’s not really being used will be reallocated in terms of neural capacity which is really amazing um and but what it also drives is that last category of change which is the cognitive category and so that’s why we start seeing things like uh higher order thinking skills coming more into play or um kind of abstract reasoning um empathy starts to deepen
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kind of deeper uh questioning about their own identity and their place in the world and those sorts of things start to happen because these neural um these neural pruning mechanisms are going on so that’s why we’re getting a whole bunch of physical changes at the same time as getting a whole bunch of complicated thoughts and emotions and all those kinds of things um so that’s kind of I wanted to give parents the context that what’s going on physically for your teen is very much the same as what’s going on for a neurotypical team which is great for us because it means that we can access you know any of the resources that are about physical changes that are available for the kind of public more broadly you can use to help um you know explain things to your artistic team where things are going to be a little bit different is in the way that they’re um their social and cognitive um life might change and so that’s why teens might need a bit more support what do you think about that Renee I think that’s great news um because really it helps parents understand that okay really it comes down to those things that we can help support them with help those behaviors help learn those skills to be able to deal with emotions and all those you know hormonal changes that are going on which is normal for every teenager uh as you said so really it comes down to our ability to really manage that and um they’re the sorts of skills that we can help them build as well which is fantastic so um you know my tips around that would be really you know emotions are quite high at that time um sometimes you might have noticed like the girls become a little bit more emotional at times maybe your boys are becoming a little bit more you know that testosterone seems to be heightened um so that is a big thing and I think that there’s so many things going on at once as you said Ella and the hormones and the emotions can be very um you know strong at that time so really working with them to manage their emotions I think is really important to learn how to teach them those skills of how to identify how they’re feeling to start with which is a big thing um you know identifying our emotions is a big part of solving the problem and I had a parent I was working with this week actually whose son was getting very aggressive and explosive with his emotions and communicating and we looked at I said well you know where do you think this could be coming from what’s the function of this behavior and that reason of why he’s feeling like that and she said you know what I think it is I think he doesn’t feel under stored I think he feels that people don’t understand him and he’s not feeling heard so as soon as we looked at that we were able to address that actual issue and put our finger on okay this is where this is coming from this has been an ongoing thing he’s our teenager so we’re working on those behaviors and from that
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I said to her you know what do you say in those moments and the thing she was saying was very good she’s actually a mental health worker but some of those comments I said could be a bit triggering for him why don’t you ask him what would he like to hear from you in that time first of all what is it that you’re feeling at those times when he’s calm obviously they had that conversation he said I do feel like I get very defensive because I don’t feel like people understand me so she said to him what would you like from me in those times because you know I want you to feel understood so he actually told her what he needed and from that she’s not only got the terminology of what to say to him or what he needs to hear but he she knows now what he’s wanting and because he helped come up with the solution he can’t you know there’s that element of ownership it’s like well mum’s doing what I’ve asked her to do so he started to calm down and communicate with her so much better which is fantastic and um it’s such a good outcome because you know not only has he helped identify how he was feeling what the problem was he’s identified what he needed from from her and his family uh he’s learned how to solve a problem like come up with his own solution to this problem that he was feeling and he’s got ownership he’s got buy into now this solution that they both have so that’s just a really good example I think of how we can Empower our young people to say you know how you’re feeling what is going on for you and what is it that you need at that time and rather than us telling them what to do or telling them to calm down which sometimes can be a triggering just calm down sometimes that’s the last thing that you want to hear when you’re upset so you know it really helped changing their relationship which is wonderful and the interesting thing he has a repetitive behavior and he would say the same thing over and over in different ways and she said again I think it’s because he thinks people don’t understand him and he’s sort of it’s it has affected him socially because it’s obviously a bit off-putting for people when he’s saying this repetitively so she said what do you need when you’re feeling like that and he said you know what I just need a hug which was really interesting that it wasn’t what he wanted to hear that I’ve been heard it was actually I just need a hug at that time so how awesome is that they’ve now got some strategies that they’ve developed together and it’s changing their relationship so I just think be aware of those things you know just talk to your um to talk to your teenage child out in and help them come up with this solutions okay you’re feeling like this what is it that you know what what could we do or what could you do to help you feel better or what do you need from us um or me as the parents so those you know helping them learn how to solve their own problems in life is an amazing skill and once they learn how to do that you know that really changes the ball game so um really good skills to teach them and empowering them as well uh so I think that’s really super important uh Ella what what do you think yeah I know that that the teen was able to come to the party and sort of collaboratively problem solve um that thing I think um teams you know that’s what coming into a bit more of an understanding of themselves and um a bit more of an understanding of themselves as an individual as separate from their parents is a really big part of being a teenager and a lot of you know frustration based struggles that teens have is is when parents and carers you know or at least the team feels that parents and carers aren’t giving them the autonomy that they feel like they should um and I think going into a kind of discussion around this thing when not in the moment not when somebody’s escalated but when everybody’s um nice and regulated having that sort of collaborative approach helps communicate to your team yes like I trust you to come with me on this journey as an equal as somebody who can problem solve for themselves as an emerging adult I’m not going to dictate to you how we’re going to solve this problem because I know that you have this burgeoning Independence that you want to that you want to Foster thumbs up yeah so yes rather than that this is how you should be doing it it’s like I think that that’s the last thing is they want us telling them what what something else to do so yeah absolutely that Independence really important so um yeah so look the other thing is um you know research has shown that I’m around 72 percent of teenagers with autism actually do experience depression and anxiety during these years so there’s a lot you know a lot of big things going on within them internally and one of the things I think really is important is to make sure that well first of all we’re aware of those things keeping our eye out for it to start with um but you know sometimes just those basic structures like sleep okay what time are your children getting to sleep at night um having those routines in place of going to bed at us at the same time or a certain time um waking up at a certain time each day and I think sometimes when especially if they’re not going to they’re being
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homescored they may be lacking a lot of that structure that we all thrive on so I had a a teenage boy that he he wasn’t going to school he was being homeschooled so he lost all that structure uh he wanted to get back to school but he was struggling to you know get get that happening because of anxiety and things like that so I said you need to set up a routine we need to develop a structure here and so he just ran with it was like he he just went so he did his own Google Calendar um he’s worked out his whole day what time are you going to go to bed at night he made the decision I’m going to go to bed at this time he’s set up a thing to stop his games and things like that he’s now getting up in the morning he’s going to school consistently but he’s taken ownership of this calendar it was just so good to see and as a result of that he’s um things are going better with friendships um he’s feeling better about himself he’s now been offered to go to the gym with some friends and he even got offered a job by one of his friends and and he’s actually got selective mutism so it’s like it’s just like such an amazing thing to see that but that structure has just given him this this you know feeling of I’m in control of of my life rather than that lack of it gets very overwhelming and you know we all thrive on that our body outside you know sleep rhythms all of that we need to really be aware of that so I would just say to parents really monitor that with your children make sure they’re getting sleep had a good time getting up at a certain time they’ve got structure in there in their life and maybe see if they want to develop their own calendar they they might really love that so that’s something I think is really important um you know exercising obviously very good for anxiety as well if you know make sure they are doing that make sure they’ve got a way to you know get out those all those emotions um in a positive way as well so um and then the last thing ill I think self-esteem is something that can often take a bit of a um a hit at those ages people are comparing themselves to their peers there’s a lot of social media influence about what I should look like all of that so you know I would be really teaching them from a young age about self-love but if if not really make sure that you know you look at some self-love activities with them about what are those messages they’re saying to themselves over and over maybe they’re quite negative you know maybe at some fat I’m this on that I’m you know I’m not good enough we need to turn that around and really teach them how to start saying positive things to themselves and and looking in the mirror like even if they could learn to say one thing that they like about themselves when they look in the mirror that can start to turn that around you know we can obviously take self-love a lot further but I think with teenagers it’s just like perhaps just a few of those small things like let’s have some positive affirmations that you say to yourself um let’s make sure we’re reinforcing those things to them because they probably need to hear it even if they are a bit resistant deep down I’m sure that they’re looking for that more than ever and also teaching them how to just do some nice self-love things for themselves as well which is something that everybody needs but particularly at that age where things are you know really um I think heightened even more in terms of where we sit socially and where we fit into the world as well yeah yeah absolutely it’s um something that I think can be tricky
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for um autistic teens who do struggle with maybe some social understanding um is that um you know relationships can get much more complex with peers with siblings around that time they can be much more going on and it can be much more subtle um and I think uh giving them a way to communicate around those things can make it can make a massive difference um there is some um apparent question that I wanted to ask you this week which is from CC in Singapore and she’s asking my 13 year old daughter has become very secretive about what she’s doing on the internet do you have any ideas about how I should handle this yes it’s a very common one actually and something that I yeah and a lot of them are very um very defensive about you looking at their phone and I think if they are that’s that’s a bit of a red flag in itself but definitely keeping on top of that having some rules about you know what like managing the phone and or technology so that you can keep an eye on what what they’re looking at what they’re being exposed to the worst thing is to really just not be aware at all because it’s it’s one of those things that they’re so easily influenced at that time so I think you know keeping keeping on top of that from an early age is important uh communicating with them as well is something that I think we need to keep those lines of communication open so our children do feel like they can talk to us if they’re unsure about something and and they feel like it’s a safe place to do that they’re not going to feel judged they’re not going to get in you know a huge amount of trouble obviously depending on what it is but I think just them feeling like they can trust you to say hey I saw this online or you know make sure that they can check in with you as well as some is really important and I think you know sex is a big thing that I I’ve spoken to my children about because they’re exposed to so many things online that we never had growing up ever and it’s the amount of exposure that they have to sex and all of that is is out of control and it’s a really hard one for us to control so I think we need to say to them hey look these things that you’re seeing this is not a normal relationship this is not what is expected or how a loving couple is with each other because I think I wanted to make sure that my daughter knew that that is not how you get treated if you’re seeing something you know between a man and a woman and the same with my son I wanted to make sure that he knew that that’s you know that’s not how it is in the real world in terms of a loving relationship with a woman because obviously some of the things that they’re seeing is quite degrading at times as well so I think you know it’s an uncomfortable Topic in in a way to deal with with our children but it’s a really important one so that they know what what is a normal healthy relationship sexually and what what is not that you’re just seeing online and you know if there’s porn and things like that that they they may just get exposed to it’s hard to control all of those things so um control it as much as you can obviously and let them know that you trust them okay I think that that element of trust so that they do feel like okay I’ve got some responsibility here but keep an eye on it and then keep the communication channels very open so that they can check in with you about things and um obviously have those conversations about sex you really have to address that at this age and it’s something that if you don’t have that influence on them they learn learning from the the internet um a lot of the time you can’t just rely on school to teach them all those things so I think that’s a really important topic to address as well yeah I think there’s some wild statistic that like nine out like nine out of ten eight-year-olds have already seen porn or something wild um people sort of think okay well you know as the internet age develops as kids become more um digitally literate the amount of of the of control avenues that we have to to kind of Shield them until they’re developmentally ready to engage with those things gets less and less so I guess I guess specifically for cc in relation to this question who does your daughter have a place that she can come to you where she isn’t feeling judged about what she’s going to bring to you that she’s struggling with so how are you um what is your tone your body language your facial expression telling her about the way you feel about what she’s saying to you because all of those things can communicate to a team that they aren’t safe bringing things to you so really look at how you’re constructing what I like to
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call a safe harbor metaphor for your home that it doesn’t matter what’s going on out in the world it doesn’t matter what’s going on out there in the internet that your home is their Safe Harbor they can come there and know that nothing they do is going to make you love them any less um and they can bring anything to you um and so be really active in the way that you cultivate that um and you should see a little bit of um a little bit more freedom at least of communication from your daughter absolutely that’s so important Ella and I think that the other thing to be mindful and talk to them about is sending photos online this is a really big issue and the laws in Australia actually if you get send a photo to someone under age or even if they send it to you you can actually be charged so it’s really amazing that the laws um it’s so stretched and they do teach them this in our schools here in Australia but I’m you know obviously it differs worldwide but that is something that they really need to be aware of but also once that’s out there it’s out there forever so uh really talking to them about how to deal with those situations as well from a young age is very important as well absolutely I think um this topic is something that will probably come back to um in upcoming episodes maybe a few episodes on I don’t
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know puberty and Independence or puberty and getting a job or that kind of thing so if you’re a listener and you’d like to hear that please do let us know thank you for coming and chatting with me today thank you thank you it’s so good to be back I love it and um yeah well done to all the parents listening I mean obviously you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t amazing parent so and carers and I just really acknowledge you for what you’re doing uh keep going because it’s sometimes we feel like is is it working or are these things I’m doing but you know what it all these little steps is like compounding interest and all the things you’re doing really do pay off so say keep up the great work yeah yeah absolutely um thank you so much for joining us today lovely listeners um we appreciate you and we appreciate you being here so if you um have any more questions for Renee or for myself please do drop us an email um and we will chat next week about another interest oh next week I have um a dietitian on to talk about um autism and uh dietetics and nutrition and all that exciting stuff so that’s next week’s podcast so until then think 360. thank you
